I’m Just Not There Yet
Wisdom is bought by dependence on God
It’s 7:42AM and I’m expressing every frustration to my mentor with tears in my eyes. Failed plans, the dreams I have that seem so far out of reach, the aching in my heart from wanting more from life all left me downtrodden. Five minutes before walking on stage the previous Sunday I had to go into the church bathroom and silently cry just to avoid having a meltdown on stage.
Within the conversation with my mentor I would explain a situation and out came wisdom that had been developed throughout the past 25+ years of his pastoral ministry. But more than his ability to give God given wisdom, his ministry of presence is what became apparent to me. He has cultivated a serenity of soul that is able to withstand the throws of life, maintain stability in an ever changing world, and seek the presence of God in all things. As the conversation continued, I realized that the circumstances weren’t what caused my elevated stress, it was my lack of dependence on God. I had deduced God to become my problem solver rather than the treasured prize of my soul. I sought the hand of God over the face of God. I longed for the gifts of God over the presence of God. I had commodified God to simply ease the pleasures of the flesh because the deep longings of my soul seemed too far for even God to reach.
If I were to be completely honest, I held God at bay. I didn’t believe that God could truly satisfy me. I’ve prayed the prayers that were left unanswered, I’ve sought what I thought to be the will of God, and cried tears that only God remembers. But after meeting and being poured into by the saints of old, they have the same scars. They’ve experienced their own portion of sorrow and crying out to God in their youth, yet there’s a pervasive joy that surrounds them. The Spirit of God follows them with each step and their presence alone is a ministry to everyone they encounter. I want that. So I pray, and ask God to form me into a man of depth, beauty, and goodness.
I‘ve become addicted to convenience. Nearly every environment has allowed me to continue on in the illusion that my life is under the guise of my own control. I can relatively dictate how much money I can make, the kinds of friends I choose to surround myself with, or even the amount of green teas mixed with my favorite organic honey I love. I’ve riddled my life filled with my favorite things and I love it. Splendor is commonplace, enjoyment is the grace of God, and I can see the hand of God all around me. My heart is intricately woven into all of these things.
Yet when a small inconvenience starts to interrupt these good gifts of God, my heart shifts from gratitude to malice. I begin to view the interruption of God’s gifts to me as the enemy of my soul. I began to believe that I deserved the gifts God had given to me. This wasn’t a conscious choice I knowingly made. It came day after day of choosing to believe that my own will and work behind the scenes were the true reason behind why God had blessed me. I had bought the lie that in order to be truly joyful, happy, or content meant that God had to bless me monetarily or even through some form of experience others would envy to have. How easy is it to forget the promises of God while living in the land you always prayed for?
Around Covid Texas had experienced a “snowpocalypse” resulting in the state experiencing rolling power outages, frozen over roads, and a few inches of snow (for us Texans that’s a lot). But during this time my grandmother had contracted covid. Things were taken day by day and the future of her health was uncertain. So I prayed. I prayed knowing that my God was with her. I prayed knowing that God had saved others in my life. I prayed knowing that God may take my precious grandmother away from me. The woman who I would go on yearly symphony concerts with during the Christmas season, the woman who would drop everything if I texted her that I was hungry and wanted a meal only she could make, a woman who made love feel easy.
Eventually I received a call from my mother that she had passed. Something in me had snapped. My conception of God had changed in a singular moment. Death had visited my family and left a mark that will forever mark my time on earth. As tears streamed down my face, a warmth came over me. Nobody was around, I was in the guest room of my aunts house crying once again trying to forget the pain, the presence of God had become real to me. I simultaneously felt as though God had abandoned me the one time I wanted him to genuinely answer my prayer, but instead of delivering health he kept his promise to me that, “he would be with me until the end of the age”. Sorrow or pain didn’t suddenly cease to exist, rather the joy and presence of God met me in the middle of it all.
In the midst of unmet expectations, delayed dreams, and unanswered prayer, I will yield my soul to God. He is the delight of my soul and the keeper of my heart. He is the source of, “peace that will surpass all understanding”. In uncertainty or frailty I can assure you of this my friend, God will meet you. Because the heart of God is to give joy to His children.