Singleness and Belonging
Vulnerability is a necessity of life
I was sitting in the living room of my best friend and his wife just sharing everything that’s been going on in my life. From the woes of being single and how to navigate healthy expectations paired with me being a pastor muddying the waters, it was a time. Over a bowl of homemade salsa, chips, and the occasional torchys queso, we would build a friendship that would slowly start to become one of the spaces where my soul felt truly alive.
I was seen not as a leader, spiritual advisor, or pastor, I was seen simply for the imperfect yet cherished child of God I was made to be. These were friends that refused to see me as a burden or inaccessible simply because I was in a different stage of life, they welcomed me with open arms from the moment we met (ironically I’ve known them since the first month of their marriage or so). This hasn’t been without apologies being made, real conversations needing to be had, but the benefit of seeing a couple who sought God with all of their life blessed my life tremendously. But I know this isn’t the case for everyone.
Oftentimes it feels like once friends get married they become aloof. They quickly become friends with other couples and spending all their time with them. Your mind begins to ruminate and ask questions like, “what about all the long nights, deep conversations, secrets shared, and soul poured out just to all but be forgotten once the marriage begins?” The pain builds, resentment festers day after day, and the friendship eventually withers to a shadow of its former self.
Is this all that friendship was meant to be? Simply a place holder until we find the one for whom our soul loves? No, you and I were made to be known intimately by others. Your capacity for love will never grow until you are willing to be vulnerable with those whom your souls trust.
Barna Research group conducted a study in 2019 for the “connected generation” meaning a portion of Gen Z & Millenial (at the time of the study it was grouped anyone from age 18-35. What they found was the, “only one third of the connected generation often feels deeply cared for by those around them or that someone believes in them.” To be completely transparent, it took years for me to not just be another statistic that fell into this camp.
From leading bible studies, zoom calls during covid just to stay connected with the few friends I did have, fighting isolation took all of me when it felt like I was the only one of my friends who would genuinely seek out quality time. It was a lot. But small moments of reprieve always seemed to arrive at just the right time to refresh my soul. God my Father always left me fulfilled.
It’s March Madness 2024, and I’m in the house of a few leaders in my church. The aroma of freshly grilled burgers is in the air with the anticipation of a Baylor Bear win hopefully on the horizon. Once everyone arrives, the night starts off with prayer. But this felt different. It wasn’t the obligatory prayer to bless the hands that made it, it was to bless the souls of everyone in the room. He went into detail of why he cherished the people in the room and the effect we’ve all had on his life. The love of God was made real before our eyes because of the prayer spoken in that room.
This wasn’t a one off example. He’s shared stories of his experience with grief and loss, taught on how to handle racial tensions with practical ways to engage with people of all backgrounds, and been the one to have the loudest laugh because he just loved to make joy a part of what it meant to live and be with God. But above all else he modeled how to love his family well.
When he spoke about his wife, there was a glimmer in his eye that could light up a room. He guarded his time with her every chance he had. He spoke of the ways that her life has been a blessing to not only him, but others in their own personal life. And in a world where marriages seem to fall left and right, he made marriage look like a God given joy rather than a burden to unfortunately carry.
It was a privilege to witness two saints who dedicated their life towards the goodness of God and the overflow of it was a happy and flourishing marriage. It’s one thing to watch Disney movies and craft a fantasy of what true love was meant to be, it’s another to watch the love of Jesus come alive in a way that not only blesses the individual couple but the community at large. Love was shared lavishly, joy was pervasive, peace was present, the fruit of God’s Spirit filled this marriage. The good life not only seemed possible, it felt like something I could grab with my very own heart.
The vision of the good life you have always dreamed of and hoped God would one day give you is on the other side of deep and vulnerable relationships. Not superficially deep where we share only what allows our Christian image maintained, we share unto the point of allowing others to see our deepest flaws and accept us for who we truly are. We do this in wisdom, in prayer to God, and faith that God will guide us to those who will see to it that we are well loved. Don’t believe the lie that true sanctification is only possible through marriage, God has given you everything you need to develop into the person He longs for you to become. For those of you married, continue to love well, sacrifice often, and bring others into the fold of life. The kingdom of God will come into fruition when you and I realize the need God placed in our lives for one another.
This is heartwarming to read. Thank you for sharing.
Beautiful as always